Enneagram 4
Motivation: To find their own significance
4s are people who are motivated to figure out how to leave a lasting impact on the people around them. 4s want their life and their impact to be extraordinary, which means that the ordinary is usually something that bores them. They love deep emotions - a 4 once told me that the ideal day for him would be one where he experienced both “terrible sadness” and “exhilarating joy” within a few hours of each other. 4s find great meaning in connection and emotion, and use those things to make their way in the world.
4s are valued for their deep, intense way of being in the world. They often make great pastors, therapists, and friends, because they are people who are incredibly capable of wading through deep waters with other people without feeling the need to fix or get rid of “bad” emotions. 4s love all emotions, and they believe that all of our feelings have something to teach us. Human connection is usually the most important thing to 4s, and they can often be found thinking about how to connect with others - while also struggling to do so.
4s often feel like they were born missing something, and may struggle to understand that their inherent goodness is what attracts people to them. 4s often feel like they must craft an image of uniqueness in order to attract people to them. The 4 thinks that people will not like them as they are - and they often have many examples of how they know this to be true. In their hardest moments, 4s struggle to escape from a mentality that everything happens to them because of who they are, and may have a hard time reaching a point of acceptance and love of the ordinary.
Center: Heart
Heart Triad numbers (2, 3, 4) are all fueled by an ever-present feeling of shame. While shame can mean a lot of things in our broader culture, shame in the Enneagram world specifically refers to a loss of self-image and self-understanding. That means that all three of these numbers are preoccupied with understanding who they are and what they mean to the people around them.
4s combat this feeling of nothingness by crafting themselves into something extraordinary and unique. 4s ARE unique in the heart triad in the sense that they are the only number that does not run away from their shame. Instead, they often embrace it and try to figure out where it comes from. 4s spend a lot of time with their shame, and can often speak about it at a depth that may make others uncomfortable or feel like they need to “fix” the 4’s feelings. Instead of trying to ignore or hide their shame, 4s instead lean into it and hold up everything they feel like makes them different in the hopes that someone will see and acknowledge exactly who they are.
Stance: Withdrawn
Withdrawn numbers (4, 5, 9) are all doing repressed and have an internal reference point. For a 4, this means that they can often be found ruminating on their feelings and thinking about what they mean to them.
This often shows up as a 4’s unwillingness to move on from a situation if they have not felt the full extent of the emotions. It can also show up as an insistence that other people meet them in those deep feelings, and a sense of shame when other people are too uncomfortable to do so. In this situation, 4s often find themselves withdrawing to spend more time with themselves.
Vice: Envy
It is important here to understand the difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is being afraid that someone will take what you have, and envy is wanting something that someone else has.
4s often feel very different from those around them, and they speak as if they are missing something that they feel everyone else has - something that makes it easy for other people to interact, socialize, and make their way through the world. 4s feel like they have a very difficult time being seen and known by others, and this makes them envious as they look around at everyone else.
4s also use envy as a way to distract themselves from seeing their inherent worth. 4s often unconsciously use envy as an excuse to stay separate and apart from others, because it is an easy way to reinforce the belief that they are different and cannot be understood. The work of the 4 is to realize that people CAN see and understand them just as they are, and that they do not have to craft themselves into anything special or unique in order to be at peace in the world and with others. 4s are born with every gift they need, and it is their life’s journey to arrive at a point where they can fully accept and know this.