Enneagram 3
Motivation: To be valuable
3s are people who feel like the only way they will be accepted by the people around them is if they are worthy of admiration and prove themselves valuable to their loved ones. 3s are often characterized by a constant push towards their own personal goals, and believe that what they do can stand in for who they are. When a 3 tells you that they were captain of their soccer team, they’re not just telling you that they were captain of their soccer team. They’re also telling you that they are trustworthy, capable of good leadership, and someone who was chosen out of all their teammates to represent the team. See how that works?
3s are valued for their cheerleader attitude and their inherent belief in everybody’s ability to succeed. They are often dubbed the “social chameleon”, and present themselves differently in every room they’re in. They’re adept at reading a room and changing their personality and appearance in order to garner the most respect and admiration out of the greatest number of people possible in the room. To the 3, being respected and admired means that they are loved.
In their hardest moments, 3s find themselves overly identifying with the personality they have curated and completely lose track of who they really are. Because they are constantly motivated to be the best in the room, they see the world through a lens of comparison and have been known to push other people under the bus if it means that they will come out on top. The work for a 3 is to be brave enough to be truly and wholly themselves in any room they walk into, regardless of how the people in that room will respond to them.
Center: Heart
Heart Triad numbers (2, 3, 4) are all fueled by an ever-present feeling of shame. While shame can mean a lot of things in our broader culture, shame in the Enneagram world specifically refers to a loss of self-image and self-understanding. That means that all three of these numbers are preoccupied with understanding who they are and what they mean to the people around them.
3s combat this feeling of nothingness by crafting themselves into whatever they feel like is most valuable and admirable in the current moment. They convince themselves that their true self is the personality that they have crafted, and learn to ignore any emotions that are valuable in the moment. Out of all the numbers on the Enneagram, 3s (and 2s) have the hardest time doing true, honest Enneagram work because it requires them confronting all the images they have created of themselves and admitting that none of them were real. And because they’re built off of shame, being true to themselves is terrifying.
Stance: Independent
Independent numbers (3, 7, 8) are all feeling repressed and have an independent reference point. This means that these numbers are united by a difficulty accessing genuine connection with others and are all able to stand independent from their environment and not be affected by it.
Feeling repression often shows up as “steamrolling” others in an attempt to get what that number wants. In 3s, feeling repression means that they can often be viewed as moving too fast without considering the opinions or viewpoints of others. Because 3s live through the lens of comparison, it also means that they can view others as beneath them or unworthy of their time.
An independent reference point means that these numbers are able to stand apart from their environment. This results in all three of these numbers not feeling obligated to respond to other peoples’ pleas for attention, time, or care. These numbers don’t often feel guilty for pursuing what they want, even if it goes against what those around them want.
Vice: Self-Deceit
Self-deceit is the belief that you can wholly become someone that you are not meant to be. 3s spend their whole lives crafting different versions of themselves for different people and situations, and if they spend too long in those new personalities, they can begin to believe that that image is who they truly are. This causes 3s to become extremely disconnected from their genuine self and instead only identify with the image they have created.
This may cause 3s to start believing in delusions of grandeur about themselves, often believing that they are more important, charismatic, or powerful than they really are. It is difficult for the rest of the world to deal with these unhealthy 3s, because the “self” part of self-deceit means that 3s are often the first and last people to believe this dream of themselves and may cause the 3 to be extremely resent to suggestions that they aren’t who they believe themselves to be.